I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! :( I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! :'( I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! :( I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK! I NEED MY DESK BACK!
Then Ike would say: Then do it.
I have to spend some time today putting my shit back together. It's end-of-year and I need to have that space, the corner of the room where I can shut out all the distractions and get lost in what I do. I've been uncomfortable in my own being. As I'm writing this, the posture is bad, the lighting is worse and I'm just not happy.
Jackie Demon Daniels, I saw your comment about greatness, and I'll address that too.
We all... let me try to put this very plainly.
We.All.Can.Be.Great.
Each word of that is important. And I mean them. I've had a great time doing this so far, but there has to be a way I can do it without getting pissed off. Some people will be leaving. Maybe for a while, maybe permanently. Some people I have tried finding OTHER resources to refer them to after the change.
What bothered me most lately was this whole themed issue. Let me discuss this with you.
The theme was a great idea, and we all got so excited about it! I think I did some pretty good stuff. I know I learned a lot, and I'm probably going to learn even more as we go. DDM is a journal of my own personal progress, and I invited all of you to join me. I love the idea of all of us being able to grow and learn and support each other. THIS BEING SAID, I've been very upset lately. This was what I was worried might happen. If I don't resolve these issues, they're going to eat me alive.
PERSONAL ISSUES: I wake up in pain. Every day. I continue to be in pain. When I get up, I can't eat. It makes me sick, so I'll never have breakfast in bed again. So be it. The pain starts growing, so I get up and wander through the house trying to distract myself from it. I try to be as cheerful as I can be - anything to work past the pain. I'm trying so hard to NOT let it steal my joy. I can't take pain meds until I eat something, eating something makes me SICK. Pain meds make me SLEEPY. I can go back to sleep and 14-18 hours will go past. I try very hard NOT to take these pills, they're just toxic to me.
I know you're all going to try and suggest HOW to fix this, I love you for that. It's JUST THE WAY it is.
John was at my house last week, and I had Half a burger and 2 mozzarella sticks. I offered him the other half, he refused to take it from me. I wrapped up the other half, and told him, "You can have it, or I can have it LATER." John, I hope you understand WHY I only eat half a burger and put it away, give it away, etc.
FAMILY ISSUES: I had it out with someone at 3am last night. I'm sick of the BULLSHIT and told them so. They have the nerve to play HURT over it, but they are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, about this. When your bullshit affects my MOTHER, you're going to have your head handed to you. I was SO angry last night, I stood up. I was THAT angry, Ike.
FRIEND ISSUES:
I have been actually planning in my mind how best to hurt a person. I seriously wanted to hurt them. Physical pain aside, I KNOW one of the best ways to hurt this person is emotionally. I know the exact words to say to bring them to a point of DESPAIR and GREAT SORROW. I've been laying this situation out on the operating table for days, just examining all the facts. Like a surgeon cutting with few and precise strokes, I PLANNED it. I reached out to others for help.
I'm planning to hurt someone.
I'm planning to hurt someone.
I'm planning to hurt someone.
I'm planning to hurt someone. (Oh my god jeezuz help me dont let me be that person i know better but all i can do is think about revenge and my soul is shaken and i dont wanna be this person help me help me help me)
I reached out because my thoughts were so DARK, and was told, "Do what you have to do."
please don't tell me that.
The plan changed. I began to play with EVIL. I began to think about ways to demoralize, emasculate and humiliate this person. I started talking about ways I planned on bringing this person to an ULTIMATE low in their lives. I AGONIZED over it, telling myself this was NOT the way to handle the situation. SEEK HELP.
i know if i do this it's going to ruin his life it's going to change his soul it's going to hurt him in ways no one had ever hurt him and every minute i think about it it's getting worse and i don't want to be this person and god SAVE me from myself because i don't wanna hurt him like that i dont wanna hurt ANYBODY like that i dont want to be this person oh my GOD why have you fucking forsaken me give me a sign help me save me help me keep me from being the worst possible person on the earth help me help me help me help me help me...
And I reached out again... I TOLD people what I was planning on doing. I bared my soul and I uncovered the pit of darkness inside me and I SHOWED them. I dropped a brick down the hole and it never hit bottom. They saw what I was capable of doing to another person on this earth...
and I was told: "Do what you have to do."
Some offered to videotape it.
In less than 30 minutes, I'll have to make a decision. I'm tired and soul-weary. Poison has been coursing through my body for almost ten days. I've been TOXIC. I need to calm down and breathe as if it were my LAST breath. I need to center. I need to heal. I need to remain the person I have tried so hard to be.
I want to be a healer, but sometimes, you really do have to let people loose.
If you continue to keep pissing in the pool of Blessed Water, you can't be here anymore.
I think that probably explains it all.
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