Men. I love them.
They're weird and funny and seemingly deranged, but God help me, I just adore them. I like the big, overgrown muscle man to the 98 pound weakling. It doesn't matter the age, race or style, it's just something about the way they think that fascinates me. I hang out with them as much as I can, and my girlfriends have compared me to Jane Goodall, but they're missing the point. These same girlfriends have "man trouble", if they even have a man to start with. I don't have these issues, because, as I've been told by soooo many men, I "get" them. I couldn't really put just one thing that's the most important thing I've learned about men. I've learned so much about them and I want to share my knowledge with others, i.e., women who need to know. Consider it my public service to the world.
1. Men are incredibly romantic in their own way.
Back in the day, I used to hang out with a group of boys. I wasn't the group slut. That job title belonged to a friend of mine who was working her way through the group. I was the "cool girl", and I used to play D&D with them every weekend. (Chaotic Neutral Magic User, I could take out an army if need be.) One day, this new guy joined our group, and I developed a crush on him. I never thought that this blonde haired, green-eyed apprentice GOD could ever take a shine to me. I left it alone. Better to be a friend than a disgruntled lover. Again, this refers to my friend who ended up leaving the group without ever really knowing or loving them as I eventually did. One night, a movie came out that we all wanted to see, and even though I was considered "one of the guys", I still had the need to freshen my eyeliner and put on my lipstick before going out. I blotted the lipstick with a napkin, and tossed it casually into the wastepaper bin. A friend started talking to me about who's cars we were taking, some inane bullcrap, when in the mirror, off to the side, I saw my crush reach into the basket, pick up the napkin, fold it carefully and put it into his pocket. I made my move on him that night, and we were lovers as well as best friends for a very long time. Three years later, he went to pay for dinner one night, and I saw that he still had that napkin in his wallet, although I had never asked him about it.
2. Men fall in love with you before they even realize it.
If a man stands beside you during one of your worst times and doesn't go running off screaming into the night, he loves you. He may think he's only doing the right thing, the gentlemanly thing (see point 4) but he just hasn't realized that he loves you yet. He sneaks looks at you, not just at the GOOD parts but actual meaningful looks. A girlish giggle from you makes his eyes roll back in his head and take a breath. The sad, puppy dog eyes look always works. He laughs at all your stupid jokes. He asks you what you're thinking. He brings you little trinkets just because he was thinking of you at the time. Yeah, he loves you. Maybe he hasn't realized it yet, but he does. Imagine the shock it's gonna be to his system when he realizes that his life is better than it ever was just because you're in it. The look on his face when he realizes that it wouldn't be worth going on without you. Be kind to them. They build these walls so high and so deep inside themselves that they don't even realize they're already in love. Might as well shut the barn door, the horses have bolted about three weeks ago.
3. Men are incredibly simple, if you speak their language.
Men want what they want. They're creatures of instant gratification and women need to accept that. However, men can easily be trained to do what you need them to do if you (and pay attention here) WORK with them. God knows they're simple, and not as devious and complex as we women are. You have to treat them like a special needs child sometimes, but this works as long as it's not too obvious. Take Sunday's football game for example. Let him watch it with his buddies. They must bond in this way. They are pack animals, and since they're not running through the wild taking down a gazelle, at least I HOPE they're not, then they need a new bonding ritual: sports. However, during halftime, or perhaps during a bathroom break, you stop him and tell him, "Half an hour after the game, I'm going to need you very..." (pause here) "verrrrryyyyy..." (pause again while looking up shyly at him. You can do this ladies, I promise. Pretend you're in a romance novel.) "BADLY!" Then... and this is the part that's going to wind up making him lose his mind... wink at him. After the game, he's going to kick his noisy friends out of the house, and while you're doing some other chore, say... "If you can help me by cleaning up the living room while I do THIS, we can get to the bedroom faster." And then SMILE at him. He will clean like a demon and be in the bed waiting for you, ready to go. Now, ladies, do not punk out here. Give him some. This is called positive reinforcement and it works.
4. Men want us to be a virgin/whore, but they want to be a boy scout/bad ass.
Somehow, even in today's society, a man will want his woman to be a "lady in the streets and a freak in the bed". Today's women are up for the challenge, but getting down to the very core of a man, you'll find this one fact to be true. Every man considers himself to be a boy scout, a cavalier, a paladin, or even Captain Friggin America. He's the guy that holds the door open for you to pass through. Carries your bags. Walks on the outside of the street (some men don't even know WHY they do this, it's just what they were taught). Here now, lies the conundrum that is man. He also wants to be seen as a tough guy. This is the man who upon hearing a noise in the middle of the night, will grab a bat from under the bed and investigate (see also point 5). He visualizes himself telling his prick boss where he can put that tightly-folded-into-many-sharp-points work order, report or other paperwork. In his mind, he stands for truth, justice and the AMERICAN way, but will also punch a hole right through another man's chest for messing with his property. Mentally anyway. Unless he's Chuck Norris.
5. Boys are like dragons. Men are worse.
If a man loves you (see point 2), then much like a dragon, he'll want to protect what he considers HIS TREASURE. A dragon will bite, snap, breathe fire at anyone trying to come close to it. So will a man, in essence. We've all seen it. When a dragon sleeps, it makes a nice tidy pile, climbs on top and there it rests it's fiery head. A man will do the same. If you find your man wanting to sleep over, not even for sex mind you, but just to sleep, consider yourself personal property of a full grown, adult male human dragon. However, a man that will not protect you from:
a) the advances of other men,
b) mice, water-bugs, muggers, his asshole friends, and especially
c) his bitchy mother... ? Don't even bother. You're not his treasure, and you never will be.
I've been trying to think of the ONE MOST IMPORTANT THING that I've learned about men over these many (no, I'm not telling) years. They're not perfect. They're messy and smelly and sweaty. They spit, scratch and will embarrass the hell out of you. I think the most important thing that I've learned might be how much I love them. For who they are. For what they can do. For being themselves without apology or regret. For being able to pee standing up! Most importantly, for how they are able to love us crazy, witchy, bitchy women they way that they do. For that, I'll always be grateful.
