The process of moving on.

I try to avoid negative energy. Not because I'm a wuss, but because it could kill me. There was an event in my life, a medical one, which happened in front of medical experts. I could have died that night, but I refused medical treatment. I have ways of dealing with my issues that cannot be matched by taking me to a hospital, hooking me up to monitors and forcing me to subject myself to tests on the hour. I'd rather deal with my situation in a quiet place and fuck it. If I die, then it was my time. It wouldn't be the first time.

I wonder how long Last Rites last? If they're said over you, is there a statute of limitations on that? If you survive, is there a "takesy-backsy"?

On this particular night, I was in pain which shot my blood pressure into the stroke range. To be clear, I DO NOT have issues with my blood pressure. My labs are wonderful, in fact. This tends to confuse some doctors because being as big as I am, they'd expect my blood to be as thick as maple syrup on a cold day. All my labs are fine, so what could have done this?

Stress and pain.

I never knew how dangerously close I was to dying before that night. They refused to leave my side until I had medical supervision come to my home and help me. I spent the time with a physical therapist meditating and relaxing, because that was the course of treatment I told them works for ME. It did, and after we were able to bring it down - High normal range - I told him to go home and let me rest.

Since then, I've made some changes. I've changed the way I look at things. I've changed how I react to them. Stressors have mostly been eliminated from my life, or are not allowed to remain long. I took a policy of "If it stops being fun, stop doing it." For this main reason, and a few other minor ones, I've considered getting out of certain fields I'm involved in. It's not a decision I've made on a whim. It's taken weeks of thinking and wondering what direction I want my life to go in. What would I do after this? How can I change things to maybe make them enjoyable again? As of this writing, I'm not sure. I am taking my time to make the best decision for ME.

I know people have problems in this life. As a minister, I know this. I try to understand people from the inside out. Who they were as a child. How it affected them. Social dynamics to quantum physics, I try to take as many factors as I can into account. Like a good surgeon, I try to make the least amount of damage, the least amount of cuts when I have to get involved in a situation. I have tried to help many, and I think that I have. I've at least given them a SHOT where others might not have.

In the end of it, it has to come back down to ME.

I'm going to lose people along the way, and that's the normal course of a life. People come and they go. If I've touched your life in a positive way, then that's hopefully a bonus to my Karmic Points. Do I believe in GOD? Maybe. That's a firm MAYBE, by the way. I'm sure if there is a God, they won't take my maybe against me when it comes time to add up what I've done here. Free will gives us the power to be skeptical.

Morgana... that's a whole other blog post.

I know, I know. Digression and maybe procrastination.

I can not and will not get involved with other people's battles unless I feel it is the RIGHT choice. This is my life. This is my HEALTH. This is the time and energy I'm using and I want to make it count. If I take a stand, it's because I feel there is no other way to change things. Words have run out. Logic has left the building.

I'm moved to put this poem here, but don't take it the wrong way. I have no plans on dying anytime soon.

I've always liked this one.

If I leave, I feel the same theory applies. Don't be upset about it. Look for the signs that what I have done has left in the world. Take what you can from my story. If it gives you strength, Bless. If I've made you laugh, the Blessing is on me. I may be back in some other form, in some other capacity. I care too much to just say "fuck it" and give up, but the way I get involved in things might have to change in order for me to go on being the person I have to be.

- MDG

Snakes in the nest

I have a friend going through some real BULLSHIT today. Someone made a report against her with CPS, and also said the elderly mother was living in squalor and the child was being medically mistreated because she's overweight. The kid is pudgy, but not MORBIDLY OBESE, you know what I'm saying?

I don't believe it, because this chick is like, super mom. She's so proud of her child, and goes maybe a bit overboard in being protective, but it's because she couldn't stand anything happening to the kid. Her ex, who is a pain in the ass actually stood by her today, so I have to give him credit for that. I'm hoping the shit storm passes. The child and mother are so nervous because they've heard the stories about kids being taken away.

Here's what I have to say.

When they check this out and see it's unfounded, I'm hoping that they file complaint charges against the person who reported them. Personally, I'd like to go on a road trip, just a to have nice long chat with the person that caused my friend this grief. I'm so angry, almost unbearably so.

I know there's a fucked up system in place. I know there are people in this government that would LOVE to get their hands on a white kid and place her in foster care. It's great $$$ for them, and the kid has a good chance of being adopted and not bounced around. A white child in the foster system is the Holy Grail of children. It would kill the mother, and it would break the child.

I deal with my own issues, and anger is one of them. I keep my stories to myself, because I don't want to share that much of my life with anyone. I don't say what's on my mind as much as I would LOVE to. I keep repressed, OH YES. MORGANA DARKGODDESS is one closed mouth, repressed bitch that lives in the darkness of her past. I'd love to say what I would REALLY like to see happen. What I would love to be able to do in this case. But I won't, because I may be crazy but I ain't stupid, you feel me?

What this all comes down to for me is a reminder that there are snakes in the nest. People you hold close are the ones who oft times stab you in the back. Who do you let get close to you when you keep your back to the wall? What does it take to prove that someone is trustworthy and won't throw you under a bus? To this day, I like to sit with my back to a wall in every room I'm in. I like to be by myself if I have to enter a small space. The kitchen of my place is small, and anyone entering behind me without my hearing sets me off. I used to swing, and I've warned people about doing that. It takes an incredible amount of control to focus and think - "This person is NOT here to hurt you." There are times when I want to swing a frying pan or throw a right hook just BECAUSE they put me in that situation.

Some assholes might think that's funny, but they really have no idea how close they were to an ER visit. I've hurt people before and for the sake of my soul I'm trying to stop and get control over these issues. The worst ones are the people that underestimate the DEPTH of my fear and self-preservation. They underestimate me because I am a fat white woman that likes to goof around and smoke weed. To be able to share with them for a second or two the immense and overwhelming DARKNESS might make them understand that they're not dealing with some bullshit "Imma BAD BITCH" female.

Goddess help me, I'm trying so hard to be normal. To be sane. Every day I'm on the border of a breakdown. I get a perverse joy out of some awful things. If I cry, it's because I'm one step away from hurting someone and I don't ever want to do that again. WHY have you gone there with me? We could have had a great time but noooooo, you had to push until I was ready to snap. It's the betrayal of it all, mostly.

Who do you let in? How many? How do you do it? WHY is it so important? I have so many questions I have yet to answer in this life, and time gets shorter every day.

30 pounds of questions

I've had stuff on my mind lately, and I'd like to talk to someone about it. The problem is, with all the people I know, and those who are on my social networking, I just can't bring myself to. Even my very best person, although he's wonderful. Since I know NO ONE reads this shit (they only show up for the xxx pictures and such), I decided to hide it away right here in plain sight.

I've had the feeling lately that I've been losing weight. I'm not TRYING to. I still eat whatever I like when I like it. I don't diet. I've always had soda and stuff when I wanted it, but even though I'm a BBW, that doesn't mean I'm stuffing my face all the time. A glass of soda, maybe once a week. Chips, every two weeks. No junk food junkie, am I.

My mother, who is the type to always be sending me stuff, sent me a few things today. A small jewelry box, a piece of the cake she made, and a scale. NO, I don't think the cake and the scale are related. NO, it's not a damn, you're fat here's a scale thing either.

The last time I was weighed, I was 325 pounds. I don't usually discuss these things with anyone but my doctor, so after I wrote that sentence, I got up, walked around my house, washed my hands, combed my hair and came back. Part of me wants to withhold that from you. The writer in me says, 'let it go, it's already written'. I'm not really ashamed of the number OR my body, lawd knows. If you've seen my pictures, I really show a lot for a big girl! So why draw back? It's because I never really tell people what's going on with me.

But Morgana!! Your YouTube, your web page?!?!

Yeah, yeah. I let a lot fly, darlings, but there is so much I keep to myself. When I started this, I thought it could be a sort of diary. I'm still hiding a lot from you though. I tend to get over-emotional about some things, so I don't bring them up. I'm asking myself right now why I'm bothering to write this now, but I figure it will come out as I go.

A scale.
I walked over and got on it. Then I got off it. "Babe, is this thing accurate?"
"She said it might be off by a couple of pounds."
"Will you try it?"
He got up and stood on the scale. Accurate. He goes to the doctor regularly like a good person.
I stood on it again. "What's that say?"
"295."
It's been a very long time since I've been in the 2's, as us BBW's say. I'm not sure about my feelings on this yet. Oh nice of course to be able to say a number that doesn't begin with a 3. I doubt I'll ever be able to say a number that begins with a 1, and I'm great with that. It's really the thoughts that are going through my mind on this that have me confused. Thirty pounds. Let's see that a little differently.

30 pounds.

Can I make it to 250 if I actually wanted to? I didn't TRY to lose it, maybe I'm not well? Maybe its all the damn lemon water I've been drinking. Maybe it's the stress? Do I want to start exercising and change what I do to see if I can lose more? Can my mind please shut up for a little while and let me think? Do I start weighing myself daily, weekly? Will the curiosity get the better of me? With the way I am, might I become obsessed with the numbers and freak out if they begin to go up again? Am I already becoming obsessed with the goddamn numbers and freaking out to the point where I have to take these feelings and put them into a blog post, even though no one gives a fuck either way? I think it's already starting to change some of my ideas and give me others. I don't want to lose sight of who I am. I don't want to become something I detest. I don't want to be the person who signs into their social media and posts - LOST 3 POUNDS THIS WEEK!! WOOHOOO!!

I don't want to be a role model, and ohhh I have said that so many times before. Am I a model? NO, hell no. I shouldn't be any kind of model. BBW Model. Role model, lawd, stay away from MY lifestyle. I wonder if there is someone out there that this information could help, but what is it that I'm actually going to do? This is not the start of a WEIGHT LOSS REGIME, I don't think.

  How Morgana Darkgoddess lost 75 pounds! Check it out!

Ugh, no thanks. Nor do I want to be hounded with diet tips and exercise plans and people who are cheering me on or people that are telling me to stop 'cause fat chicks are the best! I don't want to hear from people who say, "I started drinking lemon water and didn't lose an ounce, you phony bitch" either. All these thoughts bouncing around in my head, like children at a party after the cake and goodies bags. I guess I'll keep doing what I do, or do what I feel it best at the time and keep writing. Maybe I can learn something from it.

-- MDG

GODDAMN MY UNPREPAREDNESS!!

Mt stupid web cam. I don't keep it on because the one the laptop has is CRAP. The HD one I have is a USB, and I HATE fucking CABLES all over me when I'm trying to write. I also unplug it because I need my wireless mouse, my graphic table and sometimes an eSmoke plugged in and I don't have a USB hub.

Wanna start seeing more of me? Comment below.

Yeahhhh, fuck ya. I ain't got my MORGANA on, but I'm still kind of cute. Ya think?

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This is what I thought was amusing enough to share with YOU