I'm not sure what's going on lately. I have more trouble than I ever did before determining what is the MEANING behind what people say. I am confused by words. I don't know if people are trying to be hurtful or if they mean things as a joke. It could be a part of what I'm going through.
I'm so ANGRY all the time, and depressed. Tears come INSTANTLY now. An indirect thought brings me so low that I wonder if anything is worth doing anymore. I'm hoping and praying this is a temporary thing, just the down cycle in the bi-polar 3. I need to be held, but touching just HURTS me. I need hugs, but I want to scream and run. I disassociate as much as I can, which is like hiding under the bed waiting for the killer to leave. I hold my breath so they won't hear me, and my heart races.
I look at things sideways now. I glance at them directly only for a quick peek, then shift my eyes away again. I have a strong tendency to do this with people, but now I've added OBJECTS too. I wanted to teach, to inspire. I wanted person a to meet person b so they could help each other. I wanted to show people there was beauty and life and strength inside of them when they couldn't find it on their own. I wanted to heal, to minister and to bless whomever needed it. In my own despair I feel empty, lost and useless.
So often, too often, I feel like Jesus at Gethsemane. Today is one of those days. I need prayer and healing and light and the laying on of gentle hands. I need to know it wasn't all for nothing. As I wait for the answer (and all I can expect is the same bad news) I need to know if anyone out there hears, and better still cares.
