I try to avoid negative energy. Not because I'm a wuss, but because it could kill me. There was an event in my life, a medical one, which happened in front of medical experts. I could have died that night, but I refused medical treatment. I have ways of dealing with my issues that cannot be matched by taking me to a hospital, hooking me up to monitors and forcing me to subject myself to tests on the hour. I'd rather deal with my situation in a quiet place and fuck it. If I die, then it was my time. It wouldn't be the first time.
I wonder how long Last Rites last? If they're said over you, is there a statute of limitations on that? If you survive, is there a "takesy-backsy"?
On this particular night, I was in pain which shot my blood pressure into the stroke range. To be clear, I DO NOT have issues with my blood pressure. My labs are wonderful, in fact. This tends to confuse some doctors because being as big as I am, they'd expect my blood to be as thick as maple syrup on a cold day. All my labs are fine, so what could have done this?
Stress and pain.
I never knew how dangerously close I was to dying before that night. They refused to leave my side until I had medical supervision come to my home and help me. I spent the time with a physical therapist meditating and relaxing, because that was the course of treatment I told them works for ME. It did, and after we were able to bring it down - High normal range - I told him to go home and let me rest.
Since then, I've made some changes. I've changed the way I look at things. I've changed how I react to them. Stressors have mostly been eliminated from my life, or are not allowed to remain long. I took a policy of "If it stops being fun, stop doing it." For this main reason, and a few other minor ones, I've considered getting out of certain fields I'm involved in. It's not a decision I've made on a whim. It's taken weeks of thinking and wondering what direction I want my life to go in. What would I do after this? How can I change things to maybe make them enjoyable again? As of this writing, I'm not sure. I am taking my time to make the best decision for ME.
I know people have problems in this life. As a minister, I know this. I try to understand people from the inside out. Who they were as a child. How it affected them. Social dynamics to quantum physics, I try to take as many factors as I can into account. Like a good surgeon, I try to make the least amount of damage, the least amount of cuts when I have to get involved in a situation. I have tried to help many, and I think that I have. I've at least given them a SHOT where others might not have.
In the end of it, it has to come back down to ME.
I'm going to lose people along the way, and that's the normal course of a life. People come and they go. If I've touched your life in a positive way, then that's hopefully a bonus to my Karmic Points. Do I believe in GOD? Maybe. That's a firm MAYBE, by the way. I'm sure if there is a God, they won't take my maybe against me when it comes time to add up what I've done here. Free will gives us the power to be skeptical.
Morgana... that's a whole other blog post.
I know, I know. Digression and maybe procrastination.
I can not and will not get involved with other people's battles unless I feel it is the RIGHT choice. This is my life. This is my HEALTH. This is the time and energy I'm using and I want to make it count. If I take a stand, it's because I feel there is no other way to change things. Words have run out. Logic has left the building.
I'm moved to put this poem here, but don't take it the wrong way. I have no plans on dying anytime soon.
I've always liked this one.
If I leave, I feel the same theory applies. Don't be upset about it. Look for the signs that what I have done has left in the world. Take what you can from my story. If it gives you strength, Bless. If I've made you laugh, the Blessing is on me. I may be back in some other form, in some other capacity. I care too much to just say "fuck it" and give up, but the way I get involved in things might have to change in order for me to go on being the person I have to be.
- MDG