I've had the feeling lately that I've been losing weight. I'm not TRYING to. I still eat whatever I like when I like it. I don't diet. I've always had soda and stuff when I wanted it, but even though I'm a BBW, that doesn't mean I'm stuffing my face all the time. A glass of soda, maybe once a week. Chips, every two weeks. No junk food junkie, am I.
My mother, who is the type to always be sending me stuff, sent me a few things today. A small jewelry box, a piece of the cake she made, and a scale. NO, I don't think the cake and the scale are related. NO, it's not a damn, you're fat here's a scale thing either.
The last time I was weighed, I was 325 pounds. I don't usually discuss these things with anyone but my doctor, so after I wrote that sentence, I got up, walked around my house, washed my hands, combed my hair and came back. Part of me wants to withhold that from you. The writer in me says, 'let it go, it's already written'. I'm not really ashamed of the number OR my body, lawd knows. If you've seen my pictures, I really show a lot for a big girl! So why draw back? It's because I never really tell people what's going on with me.
But Morgana!! Your YouTube, your web page?!?!
Yeah, yeah. I let a lot fly, darlings, but there is so much I keep to myself. When I started this, I thought it could be a sort of diary. I'm still hiding a lot from you though. I tend to get over-emotional about some things, so I don't bring them up. I'm asking myself right now why I'm bothering to write this now, but I figure it will come out as I go.
A scale.
I walked over and got on it. Then I got off it. "Babe, is this thing accurate?"
"She said it might be off by a couple of pounds."
"Will you try it?"
He got up and stood on the scale. Accurate. He goes to the doctor regularly like a good person.
I stood on it again. "What's that say?"
"295."
It's been a very long time since I've been in the 2's, as us BBW's say. I'm not sure about my feelings on this yet. Oh nice of course to be able to say a number that doesn't begin with a 3. I doubt I'll ever be able to say a number that begins with a 1, and I'm great with that. It's really the thoughts that are going through my mind on this that have me confused. Thirty pounds. Let's see that a little differently.
30 pounds.
I don't want to be a role model, and ohhh I have said that so many times before. Am I a model? NO, hell no. I shouldn't be any kind of model. BBW Model. Role model, lawd, stay away from MY lifestyle. I wonder if there is someone out there that this information could help, but what is it that I'm actually going to do? This is not the start of a WEIGHT LOSS REGIME, I don't think.
How Morgana Darkgoddess lost 75 pounds! Check it out!
Ugh, no thanks. Nor do I want to be hounded with diet tips and exercise plans and people who are cheering me on or people that are telling me to stop 'cause fat chicks are the best! I don't want to hear from people who say, "I started drinking lemon water and didn't lose an ounce, you phony bitch" either. All these thoughts bouncing around in my head, like children at a party after the cake and goodies bags. I guess I'll keep doing what I do, or do what I feel it best at the time and keep writing. Maybe I can learn something from it.
-- MDG