A famous person once said, "Humans don't have an instruction manual." In fact, I'm the person that said it. But I have to disagree with myself on this one. (The voices, you see.)
Those of you that know me always laugh and say I was like Matilda as a child. This is true.
"Matilda, a brilliant, sensitive little girl, uses her talents and ingenuity to seek revenge on her crooked father, lazy mother, and the terrifying Miss Trunchbull, her wicked headmistress, and save her beloved teacher, Miss Honey."
Winifred Freidman was my Trunchbull, and Ms. Wolf was my Miss Honey.
Yeah, except it was a lot like that in REAL LIFE. You may know the story, but read the book. It tells of the early years of my life, except throw in some ABUSE, SEXUAL MOLESTATION, and MENTAL TORTURE. Then, you have me. I learned how to read early, because it made them happy. They could show off how I was reading BOOKS at three. No, not Suess. I was reading Heidi.
Heidi is a Swiss work of fiction, published in two parts as Heidi's years of learning and travel and Heidi makes use of what she has learned. It is a novel about the events in the life of a young girl in her grandfather's care, in the Swiss Alps. Author: Johanna Spyri
This made them happy, and they didn't beat me, asmuch. As I learned to read, I realized that it was pure escapism. I could sit for hours, reading book after book as long as I stayed out of their way and came and did what I was told WHEN AND HOW THEY TOLD ME TO DO IT. I tried so hard to please them. Being hit with a six foot bullwhip when you are six is not fun. Being punched in the face is also unpleasant. The problem is, I was a special needs child. They couldn't understand me. I had trouble focusing mentally.
It could be AD/HD:
In diagnosing ADHD, a doctor will assess whether a child has often behaved in some of the following ways, in more than one setting, for a period of longer than six months. The behavior also has to be negatively affecting the child's life — at home, at school, and in social situations:Signs of inattention:
or just the fact that I was hit so many times in the head they did damage. I think, "Six o' one, half dozen o' the other." (An Irish-ism for Ike.)
I also could not SEE. My vision was so bad when they diagnosed me at four years old, I had to wear HUGE heavy glasses to improve my eyesight.
Visual acuity refers to the clarity with which one sees an object, and to the sharpness of someone's ability to see detail. Usually, someone's near acuity—the ability to see within 16 inches—and distance acuity—beyond 16 inches—are both measured. In the United States, acuity is most typically measured at 20 feet, so you'll hear references to measurements such as 20/20, 20/70 or 20/200. The first number, 20, is the distance your child is from the eye chart being shown. (In the eye care specialist's office, mirrors are sometimes used to trick the brain into thinking it is 20 feet from the chart.) The second number, 70, for example, is the distance where a person with "perfect" or "normal" vision would stand to be able to see the chart. So someone with 20/70 vision can see at 20 feet what someone with "normal" vision can see from 70 feet away.The larger the second number, the more reduced the distance acuity a person has. People with acuities of 20/200, 20/400, or 20/600 have some vision, but they don't see with the same degree of clarity that a person with an acuity of 20/20 or 20/50 sees. When a person has 20/200 distance acuity, during an exam he or she is usually only able to see the big "E" on the eye chart in the eye care specialist's office.Near and distance acuity can vary for an individual. For example, your child may have near normal visual acuity for near tasks. Some children have poor near visual acuity and better distance acuity. For most children with visual impairments, visual acuity is less than "normal" both at near and at distance.
I was also getting fat. My family were bigger people, Irish and Italians. They ate to celebrate, they made pasta by the vat, and they ate when they were depressed. My mother was DEPRESSED, and ate all the time. I tried to talk with her, but I'd usually have to eat too or she'd ask what the fuck I wanted from her. “Leave me alone and let me eat in peace,” she'd say. If I sat down and ate with her, she'd talk to me, let me in a bit. Oh how she bitched and moaned, but my GOD, she was talking to me. Both we gained more and more weight, and I was teased at school. Picture this kid. Fat, thick glasses, mismatched clothes, unkempt, disorganized.
I was never told I was pretty, even though I was. And when they finally realized what was going on with the molestation, they refused to discuss it. It never happened. After that, I got no more hugs, no physical contact at all, unless it was in the form of them hitting me.
I lost myself in books. I concentrated on making the second hand on a clock stop. I could do it too, and did it often in grade school to "pass the time" so to speak.
And I read - The Power of Concentration by Theron Q. Dumont.
And Kipling, and poetry and theology and fiction and biographies, newspapers, everything. What I was reading, I took from. I'd think about what I had read, and whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. I read Aristotle and learned one of the most important tenets of my life.
Aristotle - "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts."
Wow. I really thought about that. Aside from all the other things I learned (I read cookbooks and comics and encyclopedias, magazines, and novels) THIS really made me think. I started learning more about science then, which led me to Einstein, and then to:
Gestalt therapyThe founders of Gestalt therapy, Fritz and Laura Perls, had worked with Kurt Goldstein, a neurologist who had applied principles of Gestalt psychology to the functioning of the organism. Laura Perls had been a Gestalt psychologist before she became a psychoanalyst and before she began developing Gestalt therapy together with Fritz Perls.[4] The extent to which Gestalt psychology influenced Gestalt therapy is disputed, however. In any case it is not identical with Gestalt psychology. On the one hand, Laura Perls preferred not to use the term "Gestalt" to name the emerging new therapy, because she thought that the gestalt psychologists would object to it;[5] on the other hand Fritz and Laura Perls clearly adopted some of Goldstein's work.[6] Thus, though recognizing the historical connection and the influence, most gestalt psychologists emphasize that gestalt therapy is not a form of gestalt psychology.[7]Theoretical framework and methodologyThe investigations developed at the beginning of the 20th century, based on traditional scientific methodology, divided the object of study into a set of elements that could be analyzed separately with the objective of reducing the complexity of this object. Contrary to this methodology, the school of gestalt practiced a series of theoretical and methodological principles that attempted to redefine the approach to psychological research.The theoretical principles are the following:
Around this time, nine years old. I had my first allowed friend. A boy named Michael Schick. He was clever and Jewish and we would go to his house and play with legos and building sets. He would go into the bathroom and start mixing the stuff in the medicine cabinet together as I watched fascinated. If I did that they'd beat the stuffing out of me, but his parents allowed it.
Baby powder, men's cologne, some of this and that. It smelled so good and the smell of that cologne today makes me think about him. In fact, a lot of things make me think about him. Spider man, cream cheese and lox, Jewish mothers. It's a pleasant memory.
And from there, I got my hands on a book on advertising. I wish I could remember the name of it, because it changed my life. It talked about why current ads and commercials were so popular, and the psychology used to make a viewer feel a certain way. It was brilliant. It was awesome. It began to sink in and twisted itself among my neurons. It took root, and burrowed into my psyche like a cancer.
I became... persuasive. Around the same time, I found a book I KNEW I wasn't supposed to be reading, but... they never told me NOT to read it.
I gained a very interesting view of humanity, sex and charity. I took from that book a lot of things, and a great respect for Ms. Tabor. I was also reading naughty comic books and porn and other books that I found hidden away. I read the Kama Sutra. I was still so innocent though, that I took the concepts and filed them away for later. I was twelve at the time, and my pre-teen hormones were going crazy. I developed into a C-cup. I masturbated whenever I could, which is not often in a two bedroom apartment with four people.
I learned quickly about being effective. What are the sensitive spots? How could I stimulate them? What gives the most powerful orgasms? While I learned about this, I was learning about male anatomy as well. Filing this way for the future. But, I wanted to kiss a boy to see what the fuss was all about.
(To be continued in Chapter Two)
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